


BINARY

by littlelino (taeyeongie)



Series: beomie angst [2]
Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: :(, Angst, Anxiety, Baby Boy Choi Beomgyu, Comfort, Fluff, Gen, If You Squint - Freeform, Kang Taehyun is a Sweetheart, NONBINARY CHOI BEOMGYU, No Romance, Nonbinary Character, Oral Fixation, Platonic Relationships, Protective Kang Taehyun, Soft Kang Taehyun, Trans Character, beomgyu is Confused, i can’t believe i forgot that one, i love beomgyu and therefore i must make him suffer, i will die on this hill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:07:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24921286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeyeongie/pseuds/littlelino
Summary: Beomgyu knows he isn't a girl.But he doesn't feel like a boy either.So what is going on?
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu & Everyone, Choi Beomgyu & Kang Taehyun
Series: beomie angst [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1803472
Comments: 9
Kudos: 99





	BINARY

If you ask him, Beomgyu isn’t able to pinpoint any one, exact moment that he started to realise he felt different than the rest of his peers.

As Beomgyu grows up and his fashion sense evolves, he tells one of his friends at school that he saw a cute skirt at the store the other day and thought of buying it. His friend laughs and asks Beomgyu if he’s joking.

Beomgyu isn’t.

He mentions this to Taehyun, since the two of them spend so much time together in and out of school. Taehyun says there’s nothing wrong with Beomgyu liking skirts, but other people might think differently.

Then there’s the whole sexuality thing that hits Beomgyu like a truck. He’s been pretty aware of the fact that he likes both boys and girls ever since elementary school and his huge crush on his soccer coach, but when all his friends are beginning to talk about sex, Beomgyu finds himself completely uninterested. He’s never outrightly found anybody hot or sexy—he knows when he’s supposed to say it, but he doesn’t actually feel that way.

Once again, Beomgyu goes to Taehyun for reassurance. Taehyun says asexuality exists and is valid, and if anyone gives Beomgyu shit for it, they’d have to go through Taehyun first.

(Beomgyu thinks this is funny, because Taehyun is tiny, and Beomgyu just can’t imagine him fighting anybody.)

The year Beomgyu, Taehyun and Kai are supposed to graduate high school, Beomgyu realises something else is off too.

His skin crawls whenever somebody calls him a boy, young man, sir, anything like that. He doesn’t mind being called handsome or cute, but hearing “male rookie of the year” makes him want to correct whoever is speaking—except he doesn’t know what he wants to be called instead.

He doesn’t go to Taehyun about this. He isn’t sure Taehyun will know what to do, either. It isn’t like the way Beomgyu feels is exactly common, or normal.

That’s what he’s convinced himself of, anyway.

After a few weeks of losing his few and far between hours of sleep over it, Beomgyu decides he’s going to try and stop thinking about it. It isn’t like he wants to be a girl or anything, that feels almost worse than being a boy.

But he is. A boy.

Yeah.

Beomgyu sighs, hugging the plushie in his arms against his chest (he’s pretty sure he accidentally stole it from Kai, but the youngest probably hasn’t even noticed, he has so many). He’s just started being able to sleep again, and then this happens. It’s like the entire universe is against him or something.

He just wants this icky feeling to go away. The achy, hollow feeling he gets in his chest every time he’s referred to as a boy.

“You’re a boy,” he says to himself in the bathroom mirror one morning. He splashes his face with cold water and stares at his own reflection. “You are a boy.”

The words are like acid on his tongue.

He ignores the way his lungs seize up with shame when their staff says, “Good job, boys,” and he ignores the way his brain screams _wrong!_ when their stylist noonas tell him, “You’re growing up to be such a handsome young man!”

Maybe that’s why he starts saying he wants fans to call him Kkyu—because it’s a little less masculine, a little cuter, a little softer.

Beomgyu likes being _soft_.

He likes putting on oversized hoodies and sweatshirts and just drowning in them. He likes snuggling up with his members, and maybe every once and while sucking on his thumb, but that’s an entirely different problem (that Soobin seems to have taken in stride). Whenever he goes shopping, with the others or by himself, his eyes linger on more feminine things they pass—purses and makeup and, most especially, skirts.

Beomgyu wants a skirt. He spends longer than he’d like to admit imagining each member’s reaction to seeing him in one. He himself wonders how he’d look, if he’d look cute, if his members would call him pretty.

He wants to be called pretty. He doesn’t mind handsome, and cute is always nice, but he rarely hears pretty. Because boys aren’t supposed to be pretty.

Beomgyu is beginning to think he isn’t a boy at all.

But he isn’t a girl either. He knows that much. So what the hell is wrong with him?

He wonders if maybe he should go to Taehyun after all, but he always decides not to in the end. What if Taehyun thinks it’s weird? This is really different than the last few times, after all.

He has said he thinks Beomgyu would look nice in a skirt before.

But that’s different—when Taehyun said that, it wasn’t with the implication that a skirt would mean anything other than what it is.

Now, it carries the weight of _I’m not who I thought I was_.

The thought terrifies Beomgyu.

How is he even supposed to broach that subject? _“Hey, you know how we’re all boys? Haha, well, about that…”?_

He decides he’ll try to do his own research before he brings it up with anyone else.

Which he doesn’t get around to for another few weeks. He tells himself it’s because they’re all so busy with practice and promotions, and by the time they get back to the dorm, they’re all so exhausted they just fall right asleep.

But that would be a lie. Because Beomgyu is back to not sleeping a wink. He’s had plenty of time to do his research. He knows why he’s really waited this long, but he isn’t going to say it out loud.

Finally, one late night long after their comeback promotions have ceased, Beomgyu finds himself searching the internet for answers.

The first few searches don’t turn up anything, mostly because Beomgyu doesn’t know what exactly to search. The fourth try, however, he stumbles across something promising.

It’s an article, he doesn’t recognise the website, but the title reads, “I Don’t Feel Like a Boy or a Girl—What Do I Do?”

He clicks on it.

He’s practically vibrating with his anxiety. He doesn’t know what he’s going to find, or if he’s going to like it.

The first thing he notices is how many words are written in English on the site—borrowed words, strange and unfamiliar to the Korean language.

One in particular jumps out to him: _gender non-binary_. “A spectrum of gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine—identities that are outside the gender binary,” the article tells him.

His heart leaps into his throat. This is it. This is what he’s been feeling.

 _There’s a word for it?_ he thinks to himself. He scrolls further through the article, finding a wide array of gender identity terms he’s never even _heard_ of before. Gender queer, demiboy, demigirl, agender, genderfluid, bigender… Why the hell did he not know about this stuff before?

He wishes the world was a more accepting place than it is. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel so out of place—like he was wrong and needed to fix himself.

Now that he finally has a word to put to his feelings, Beomgyu decides it’s high time he talk to Taehyun about it.

He quietly climbs out of bed, careful not to be too loud as he makes his way to the maknaes’ room.

He slowly opens the door, only to find Taehyun already (still?) awake.

“Hyung?” Taehyun whispers in the darkness, only his face illuminated by his phone.

“Can I talk to you?” Beomgyu asks. Taehyun hums, swinging his legs over the side of his bed. He follows Beomgyu into the kitchen, and the two of them sit down in silence.

“What’s up, hyung?” Taehyun breaks the tension first. Beomgyu takes his bottom lip between his teeth before responding.

“Have you ever heard of the term gender non-binary?”

Taehyun thinks for a moment. “Maybe. A long time ago. It’s English, isn’t it?”

“Mm.” Beomgyu is still chewing on his lip as he plays with his fingers. “Basically means you don’t feel like a boy or a girl.”

“Somewhere in between?”

“Or not at all.”

Taehyun nods. “Right. What’s this about, hyung?”

“I…” Beomgyu swallows the lump in his throat. His leg is bouncing up and down with his nerves. “I think that’s what I am. Non-binary.”

Taehyun blinks. Tilts his head. Blinks again. He smiles. “Thank you for telling me, hyung.”

Then his eyes widen. “Are you still okay with me calling you that?”

“I’d rather you didn’t,” Beomgyu mumbles. Taehyun nods again, reaching over the table to squeeze Beomgyu’s hands.

“You’re really brave, Beomgyu. I’m really proud of you. I bet that took a lot of courage on your end to tell me that, and I’m so glad you did, Kkyu.”

Beomgyu feels warm. Happy. “Thank you,” he whispers. Taehyun is still smiling.

“Of course, Kkyu. You’re one of my best friends.”

Beomgyu could cry, he feels so relieved.

“We should get some sleep. Is… is this what’s been stressing you out lately?”

“Yeah,” Beomgyu admits sheepishly. Taehyun just squeezes his hand again.

“It’s all right, Kkyu. Let’s go to bed.”

“Can I…?” Beomgyu’s lip finds itself trapped between his teeth again.

“Come on, Kkyu.” Taehyun pulls Beomgyu out of the kitchen toward his and Huening Kai’s room. Beomgyu smiles.

Taehyun knows him so well.

Once the two of them are tucked snugly under the covers, Beomgyu rests his head on Taehyun’s chest.

“Thank you, Tyun. Really. I… I literally only just found out being gender non-binary is a thing, I thought… I really thought there was something wrong with me, and I—”

“You’re welcome, Kkyu,” Taehyun cuts him off, not unkindly. Beomgyu grins tiredly, snuggling further into Taehyun’s embrace. “Will you tell the others?”

Beomgyu nods. “I will. Eventually. I’m not sure if I can do it tomorrow, but I wanna do it all at once. I just wanted to talk to you first since… well, since you’ve always helped me out when I felt like I didn’t belong.”

Taehyun’s hold tightens. “That’s what I’m here for, Kkyu.”

“Mm, love you, Tyunnie.”

“Love you too, Beomie.”

Beomgyu falls asleep smiling.


End file.
